When I (40M) was a kid, I was groomed by a cousin 11 years older than me and when I was 13, she got pregnant and had the kid. It fucked me up a lot as you can imagine and she eventually was found out and went to prison for it. The kid was took off her and went the foster care/adoption route and I was not allowed any form of relationship at all with the kid - my parents and social services forbade it. He's now 26 and has had a very troubled life I understand (been in and out of prison) . I have continued to have no relationship or contact with him.
Despite issues in my teens, I turned my life around and I'm now married to my wife (45F) and we have a daughter (6F) together. I have a son (19M) from a previous relationship who I had sole custody of until I met my wife and she has a daughter (25F) from a previous relationship. I'm no stranger to Reddit so I'll answer now yes, I have had therapy and counselling for it all.
We've had a pretty good family unit for a few years but 3 years ago, I had a hard time with my son after he found about what happened to me as a kid and he found out he technically has an older half brother and wanted a relationship with him. Despite how hard it was for me, I agreed and my wife mainly agreed to be the main support for him and be behind it all on the condition a) I have no contact myself and b) our daughter doesn't hear about it and is kept out of it. My reasoning on the latter is that she's too young to find out and I don't want to confuse her at such a young age and also, she's a kid and will talk about it and I don't want anyone to find my business out. My wife agreed and son respected my wishes and to my knowledge, it's all been handled well. The 26M got out of prison a couple of years ago and I understand my son has met him and I thought after a while, my wife stepped away a bit as he's now old enough to have contact on his own. I have never said she would never be told the truth, just that we would tell her when she was older and could understand.
Last week, I noticed my daughter was drawing a picture and I looked at it and I asked her about it. She was a bit sheepish and was acting like she wasn't supposed to so I persisted and she answered me.
It was a picture of her family. It had me, her mum, her, my son, her older sister and her "big big" brother in her words. I asked her about it after more coaxing and she said she sees him with mummy sometimes on their own. I asked her how long it's happened for and she said since she was little but mummy said she's not supposed to talk about it and said to not tell daddy as it'll upset me. I reassured her she's not in trouble and I'm not upset with her and confronted my wife about it later when she got in.
She admitted it was true and I asked her how long it's been going on and she said ever since my son had contact 3 years ago. She took my daughter to see him in prison once at the start because she didn't have childcare one day and when he got out, she's kept taking her to see him since. I asked her who knows and she admitted they all know - her, my son and even my step-daughter knows. I was beyond angry so I packed some things and left the house and have been staying at an air BnB since. She's been trying to call me to talk, so has my son and even my step-daughter has been trying to call me to talk about it. I just can't face them.
I know I need to go home today and I'm in the process of contemplating it but I genuinely feel like I can't stand them all and I'm thinking of asking for a divorce over it. My wife was the one person in life who I trusted, and had my back enough to share it all and I feel like she's done something on par with what my rapist did and betrayed my trust. Despite her keeping on saying how sorry she is, she just keeps on saying she did it for our daughter and felt sorry for the older lad.
WIBTAH?
UPDATE so I'm going to go home and talk to them all. I fucking miss my kids so much and the dog. no idea what will happen.
UPDATE 2 So I got home and me and the wife have had a chat. I've decided I don't want a divorce but we are going to separate for a bit and she's going to stay with my step-daughter for a while. We're going to try couples counselling to see where it takes us.
I see some suggestions about trying individual therapy again. That is a given and I'm definitely going again.
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